Suicide

I found out today a father from my Beloved's Cub Scout den shot himself in the head on Monday. The last time I saw him was in July. We were with our Beloveds at a pack camp out. He has four children, 3 boys and a daughter. Apparently he shot himself with the 5 year old and the baby in the house.

First came the denial. It couldn't have been him. He seemed so happy.

Then came sadness. His poor wife and kids. What will they do? Their hearts must be braking.

Then came the anger. How could he be so selfish? He's left his wife and children. He's going to miss out on so much! He's causing them so much pain. How could he do it?

Then came the curiousness. What was so horrible he'd rather take his life than face it? (My mind came up with several nasty ideas, but I'm not sharing them as I have no clue why he killed himself.)

Then came the guilt.

Why guilt you ask? Because I've thought about suicide by car many times. Of course my goal was to make it look like an accident, but it would still be suicide. Am I considering this now? NO. I know what the edge looks like. I understand wanting to feel relief. Wanting it all just to end so you can't hurt anymore. This knowledge, brought on the guilt. It made me wonder what people would have said about me after my death. I look at my Beloveds and think, I would have caused them so much pain. How could I have even consider suicide?

I think it's beyond sad he felt so alone, and in so much pain he thought his only choice was to kill himself. I've lived in that darkness and I don't wish it on anyone. I will sneak extra hugs from my Beloved's because I am still here. I clawed my way out of the darkness and because of that victory, I'm still able to hug and love my kids in this world.