Panic Attack on a Tuesday

This morning when I walked into the garage to warm up my car, something caught the corner of my eye. I froze, scanning the garage when I saw what appeared to be a person crouched down looking through a box. Every muscle in my body flexed tight. I stopped breathing. My muscles went numb and vibrated all at the same time.

Then, as if a magician had waved his cloak, the truth was revealed. It wasn't a man, but a brown tarp covering I don't know what.

My heart continued to beat rapidly. My breath ragged, as if I'd been running uphill. My back tingly, because I didn't know who might be behind me.

As I drove down my street, that's when I knew I was in a full blown panic attack. My skin continued to vibrate. My vision was unfocused. I drove to work on muscle memory, my brain had checked out before I even left the house.

I couldn't decide if I wanted to beat something, cry, or both. That's when I felt the last strings of sanity slipping. I pulled over and took a half of Xanax.

Taking Xanax seems like a failure. It feels like I gave up. I know I could have eventually pulled it together, but when? Today? Tomorrow? Next week? I don't have the time to be crazy right now. My desk is full at work, I have to help my Beloved's with school work, and everyday life.

Even though I feel like a failure, I should have seen it coming. My insomnia is back. I've been having lucid dreams compounding my crazy. I've been having a new kind of panic attacks. My therapist isn't sure what to do with me because this isn't her field. That's right, I'm too crazy for my head doctor.

The Xanax has kicked in. My limbs feel heavy. My eyes want to close, but my skin is still crawling annnnd I have 8.5 hours before I can go home.

Awesome.

The Crazies

I have a case of the crazies. I'm not sleeping. When I am I'm not reaching REM sleep, instead I dreaming lucid dreams that are so real I swear they're really happening. For example I fell asleep one Saturday in my recliner. I would swear on a Bible I woke up and my husband made me a tuna fish sandwich..... Only it never happened.
I'm easily startled and my brain bum rushes the crazy train constantly playing through scenarios and tactics of What If....
My counselor swears I'm not crazy, but the anxiety attacks aren't helping. One was so bad, Xanax didn't even stop it.
Why is this happening?
What is the purpose?
All I know for sure is, I'm exhausted, amped up, and tired of feeling crazy.