Miracle Needed

Shorty later my 19th birthday, my mother died of cancer. I was her care giver. It was one of the hardest times in my life. I've missed her a lot, and she's missed a lot of my life. She wasn't at my wedding, the birth of my children, or to see the woman I've become.

Recently, I learned of a family friend who is in need of multiple miricles. First, her young son has been battling brain cancer for the second time in his short life. He has been given a 20% survival rate.

Secondly, his mother, my friend was diagnosed with stage 4 inoperable brain cancer at Thanksgiving. She has been accepted into a clinical trial. She is 40 years old with 4 children and a husband who loves her.

My own mother died at 51, so that's always been my goal. To live past 51. Here is a wonderful, strong woman and mother who I care about who is dying at 40. It just seems wrong in every sense of the word.

Having lost a mother, this situation hurt me. When my youngest Beloved was 6 months old, he had to have emergency surgery for a tumor in his neck they thought was cancer. For 11 days we had no idea was the future would bring. Being a mother, I can feel the pain of having a sick child, but the thought of missing out on their lives due to an untimely death just hurts and pisses me off.

Why is it the bad guys, child molesters, rapist, abusers seem to live long heathy lives and the good die young? How is that fair?

I pray daily for miracles because I am totally helpless here. A feeling I really hate because this brings back so many feelings and emotions from my own mother's death.

Sometimes life just sucks, then you die early.

Life In February

Live has been interesting. I recently accepted a 40 hour a week position in local government. It has been a tough transition for me, as I no longer have the freedom to do things on my own time. I also don't get to spend as much time with my Beloveds, but they seem to be okay with that. The good part about the job is that it has given me a sense of freedom and a new identity. The sense of freedom is important because I felt finically cornered. I couldn't take care of myself, therefore had to stay in my situation if for no other reason. The new identity is important, because they don't know I'm damaged.

I have also started therapy with a PTSD therapst. Since I live in the middle of no where, the appointments are telemedicine. (Think Skype with a doctor.) This new therapist is teaching me Eye Movement Desensitization And Reprocessing (EMDR) to help with my symptoms. She is the first therapist to try and teach me new techniques on how do deal with my symptoms instead of just talking about them. Well see how it goes.

I am also getting up at 5 am to practice yoga 5 days a week. This is quite shocking since I'm not a morning person. I have noticed drastic benefits concerning energy, focus, and my ability to accept whatever comes flying at my head with a bit of grace.

Hopefully things will continue to get better. My coping skill will improve, and I'll be able to deal and move on with my life. Or at least that's the dream.