A Moment of Hell AKA Triggered

Last night I discovered a new trigger. As anyone with PTSD can attest triggers are evil unconscious little buggers that fuck you up and ruin your day.

Last night I came home really late. A friend had been out of town taking care of her dying grandmother. I went grocery shopping for her after work then stayed and talked. When I got home about 9:30 pm everyone was already in bed. I sat next to the fire trying to relax and relieve my headache from hell when Duke the dog sat next to me.

Duke is a border collie and VERY smart. He's also very sensitive. When I cry he sits on me. Duke must have sensed my headache, he licked my left year.

I was instantly set off. The skin on my face crawled. I grabbed my face and rubbed it. The muscles in my face had that stomach dropping roller coaster ride feeling and it moved across my face. I started to claw my face at this point. I welcomed pain at that moment. Except for my hands clawing my face I couldn't move. I couldn't talk. I was frozen in Hell.

Desperate I racked my brain for anything to make it stop. I remembered a technique to help, so I started to alternate patting my shoulders like I had been taught. Eventually I calmed down.

I hate triggers. It's instant Hell combined with a mind fuck. I don't even know all my triggers, which makes it even worse because I can't avoid what I'm unaware of.

At this point I have to wonder... What would life be like without triggers?

I hope to answer that someday.

Riddle Me This....

I had a nightmare last night. I woke up in a pool of sweat two hours after I'd climbed in bed. I've been taking half a Xanax to sleep. I've tried over the counter stuff and the hangover is too much. So I tried not to take any sleeping aids, when I finally got to sleep I slid right back into the lucid dreams.

I'm weary of drugs. It seems to me doctors hand them out in shopping bags. I have a long family history of addiction. I have a fear of becoming addicted, but I need to function too. I feel like taking meds is a weakness when I want to be strong.

I'm frustrated because there is no one qualified to treat PTSD in my area.... Unless I'm a Veteran, which I'm not.

I keep hearing, "Get over it." "Move on." Oh, how I'd love to people. I really would, but riddle me this, how to you "Get Over It" when your body and your unconscious will not allow you to move on?

When someone has the answer to THAT then we'll talk. Until then SHUT UP!