Last night I discovered a new trigger. As anyone with PTSD can attest triggers are evil unconscious little buggers that fuck you up and ruin your day.
Last night I came home really late. A friend had been out of town taking care of her dying grandmother. I went grocery shopping for her after work then stayed and talked. When I got home about 9:30 pm everyone was already in bed. I sat next to the fire trying to relax and relieve my headache from hell when Duke the dog sat next to me.
Duke is a border collie and VERY smart. He's also very sensitive. When I cry he sits on me. Duke must have sensed my headache, he licked my left year.
I was instantly set off. The skin on my face crawled. I grabbed my face and rubbed it. The muscles in my face had that stomach dropping roller coaster ride feeling and it moved across my face. I started to claw my face at this point. I welcomed pain at that moment. Except for my hands clawing my face I couldn't move. I couldn't talk. I was frozen in Hell.
Desperate I racked my brain for anything to make it stop. I remembered a technique to help, so I started to alternate patting my shoulders like I had been taught. Eventually I calmed down.
I hate triggers. It's instant Hell combined with a mind fuck. I don't even know all my triggers, which makes it even worse because I can't avoid what I'm unaware of.
At this point I have to wonder... What would life be like without triggers?
I hope to answer that someday.
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