Wednesday it was so bad I jammed my earphones in, played some relaxing yoga music and tried that new exercise the head shrink told me to try. I realized I was as tight as a bow string. I woke that morning with a vicious headache due to jaw clenching in my sleep. I was still clenching my jaw as I tried to breathe. My shoulder blades could have cracked walnuts, and I was patting my shoulders so fast you'd have thought there might be a prize for the most pats in a minute. I tried my best to relax.
My mind wondered to my eldest Beloved, who seems to be having an especially hard time. He's started pulling his hair out because he likes the pain of it. He currently has a bald spot the size of a half dollar. Since I can understand finding joy in physical pain, the release it can bring, and sometimes just the comforting thought you can still feel an emotion, I'm not exactly sure what to do with him. I've told him to try and run until he feels like his lungs will explode instead, or draw, or something of that nature. I don't want to embarrass him, but he's 8... and has a self inflicted bald spot.... niiiiiice.
I have joined a Tough Mudder team this year. Tough Mudder is an 11ish mile military style obstacle corse. Some of the joy includes running on coals, electric wires, and scaling 15 foot walls. I've been waking at 5 am to exercise every morning, this is going to require some endurance as well as balls the size of hot air balloons. Working out not only helps release bad feelings, but it also lets me hurt, so perhaps my Beloved gets it from me? Only I'm not bald.
I have another meeting with the PTSD counselor on Tuesday I think. I wonder what she will think of all of this. I hope she can help with the anxiety. The angst as I wait for another tragic event to occur.... or wait to remember something horrible from my past.
Uhhhhgggg.........
Here's hoping to a good family filled weekend. I'm praying for smiles and laughter.
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