Why am I hiding? Not really sure. I know I dreamt last night, but don't remember anything disturbing about the dream. I only remember flashes, like I was getting dressed up in Victorian garb for some high class get together, but never made it for one reason or another. Why should I hide from this? I don't recall being scared or chased. I don't know why I'm so messed up today. Maybe it wasn't this dream at all, but something else I can't remember that's making me dissasociate. Who knows.
Anyway, the book gives examples of coping methods, of which I use several. I have minimized my experience and the affect it's had on me. I have rationalized the actions of my parents and those who were supposed to protect me. My brain has blocked most of the memories from me, to protect me. I put forth a strong facade so no one will know how crazy I really am. As discussed earlier I disassociate, which the book says is good when you're going through the trauma but bad as an adult because it becomes a habit. Guilty as charged here.
I avoid sex at times even though I crave closeness. Naked physically means vulnerability. I hate feeling vulnerable. Hypervigilance makes me feel crazy on a daily basis. The book also says "Humans tend to gravitate to what they know, which is why survivors are always in the mists of chaos. Not only are they familiar with it, they handle it beautifully." I have been told by more than one person, in a crisis they want me by their side because I always seem to know what to do. I always thought it was a compliment, but now I'm not so sure, because if I'm attracted to chaos and can't live without it, then what kind of normalcy am I bring to my children's lives? I don't want them to bear my struggles.
Escape by any means hits home pretty hard. I can remember being friendless most of my childhood but I was never lonely. I had imaginary friends which were characters from a movie or a book. I was always the strong woman who protected the weak. I kicked everyone's butt and no body messed with me. Funny, even today as a 35 year old woman, I still have these fantasies. When driving to and from work lately, I've been that woman who everyone underestimates, but kicks butt and helps the weak. A tough woman that no man can beat physically or mentally. Strong in every way.
Excessive business is another coping skill. I recently had someone tell me when I was still looking for work that I need a job to force me to slow down. I was involved in everything. I was taking Super Mom to new hights. Funny, I didn't feel that way and now I'm feeling like a failure because I'm having to tell people no. I just can't do everything I used to, and I feel like I'm letting my kids, and friends down because of it.
The end of the chapter proclaims, "The starting point for everyone, however, is to look at the ways you coped and to forgive yourself." Uh oh... there's the "F" word. Forgiving myself.... this is a concept I'm just not capable of at this point. I'm sure I'll get there, but I'm not there yet. I guess it's because I take on responsibility that isn't mine, or that I blame myself for everything. Forgiving myself is the hardest possible thing for me to do. I just expect so much from myself, and I feel like I've let myself down and those who love me. Stupid "F" word.
The coping skills I used as a child got me here. They are why I can don the name survivor. These same skills are affecting my relationships, and not for the better. Surviving is not easy. If surviving were easy there'd be no suicide.
I guess knowing my coping skills are ruling my life is the first step to modifying my behavior towards a more productive and healthy set of skills.... or at least that's the story I'm sticking today.
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