The fist chapter talked a lot about how most survivors deal with abuse, the feelings abuse stirs, and the consequences the abuse has on future relationships. In all honesty, I felt as if this entire chapter was written specifically for me. I caught myself thinking, I never told anyone that. How did they know?
The biggest lesson I learned is that I never learned how to make boundaries. I never had boundaries as a child. Obviously my mother and father were no good at making boundaries. This lack of boundary knowledge has plagued my personal relationships on several levels. I mean if you think about it, every relationship whether friendly, romantic, or working should have some kind of boundaries to be health, right?
Now on to the writing assignment. The writing assignment is:
Write about the ways you're still affected by the abuse. What are you still carrying in terms of your feelings of self-worth, your relationships, your sexuality, your work? How is your life still pained, still limited?
Write about the strengths you've developed because of the abuse. Think of what it's taken for you to survive. What are the qualities that enabled you to make it? Perseverance? Flexibility? Self-sufficiency? Write about your strengths with pride.
How am I still affected? Oh let me count the ways... I hate the dark. I have always claimed to be a night person, because I never wanted to go to sleep. Night is not a safe place. I am constantly locking the doors, and check to see if they're locked because I never feel safe. And of course there is the damage done to relationships due to the lack of boundaries as I discussed above. Mostly there is the overall feeling of never being safe.
Self worth? What a joke. I feel worthless. I feel shame, guilt, anger, and hatred for myself. How could I have let this happen? Why wasn't I strong enough to stop it? Why do I allow it still to affect me? Will I always be damaged? It is because of the damage I don't trust anyone. I have gotten involved with inappropriate people and people who are unavailable. I rarely feel connected to myself or others, and I expect everyone to leave. It's just a matter of time. I am limited because of my self isolation. I don't want to let anyone in. If I let them in, that just leaves room for hurt, betrayal, and more abandonment.
Strengths? I've been told I'm strong. My Head Shrink tells me I'm strong and courageous every time she sees me. Maybe one day I'll believe her. Fact is I feel weak. I know I must have some strength in me though, other wise I would have ended it one of the thousands of times I'd thought about it. I'm still here. So I guess that says something. I guess that's persistence? Or is it perseverance? I have become very self reliant. In fact, it is very difficult for me to rely on anyone, including my husband. I take care of everyone, Beloveds, Husband, Friends, and Family. (Of course I don't take care of myself, don't bother asking. I'm working on it of course, but it's easier to take care of others.) I'm a very passionate person and really can't stand the idea of another person feeling abandon or forgotten about.
I'm not sure I've written about my strengths with pride. I'm not really feeling pride, so that's the best I can do today. At least it's something though. At least I'm trying, right?
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