Tears

"Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see Life with a clearer view again." ~ Alex Tan

I have cried buckets of tears over the last 13 months. I have cried until I thought my eyes were dry, only to find out I was capable of crying more. There are a multitude of cliche's out there people say when they find a friend in a dark place with tears in their eyes. I'm sure you've heard them. It's always darkest before the dawn. Or Every cloud has a silver lining. And my personal favorite, When you're going through Hell, keep going. Don't stop, no matter what!

I've had the quote by Alex Tan on my computer for months. When I look at it, I see hope. Hope that my tears will wash away the pain over time, making my Life view become clearer.

The last 10 days of life have been interesting. For starters, I got a job. I'll be working for the County in a new division. The division is in the process of being built, and there are no set guidelines for my position, just expectations. This is exciting and terrifying all at the same time. There is a lot of room for failure. Have I gotten myself in over my head? Of course, if I don't challenge myself, have high expectations then how will I ever feel proud of myself? I mean you can't have the pride of trekking a mountain top if you never get off the couch, right?

This is the first 40 a week position I've had since having my Beloved's. I have been there to take them to school, pick them up, and do homework with them EVERY day of their lives. They have been able to do after school sports and activities because I could always take them. Now what? I know there are plenty of households where both parents work, it's just yet another adjustment for us.

I've been doing well with my PTSD. All of my symptoms have been kicked down several notches. I've been meditating and doing yoga. Both seem to help me stay calm. To be present in my body. To listen to my body. Listening to your body might sound ridiculous, but I've realized even though I'm less anxious, sleeping, and more present (all positive things) that my physical body is not in a matching good place. I have headaches that build up throughout the day. My shoulders and neck are so tense I have limited mobility and pain. I've probably been in this physical condition for well over a year, it's just now that I'm listening to my body. The yoga is helping relieve stress. It's helping me get it out, rather than keeping it bottled up physically. See the body remembers, so even when you think you're through it, a physical check needs to be done to make sure you're not ignoring important parts.

The part that's been hardest over the last 10 days is having my oldest Beloved, whose is 8 years old be diagnosed with Clinical Depression. See, he's been absorbing everything the last year... child molesting grandfathers, separated parents, mom with PTSD, and school. He's internalized everything. Now he's a shell of the kid I love and laugh with.

This weekend I got a couple of smiles from him. I hope there are more in the future. I hope I can find some way to help him take all the internal darkness, bringing it to light, and letting go of it.

We will see, hopefully we will see clearer.