Justice Feels Numb

So the father- in- law was sentenced last Monday. He gave the text book "I'm sorry." Big shocker. The oldest survivor wrote an impact statement. I've been to a lot of court in the last year, most of the time there is a lot of whispering among the lawyers and gallery. During the statement reading it was dead silent. The woman in front of me, who I did not know, sobbed during the reading.

When the judge had his turn, he shook his head in disgust. He straight up used the father-in-laws words to the parole board against him, letting him know it is never the fault of a 5 year old. That a 5 year old never "wants it" from a grown man and these comments show he's not taking responsibility for his actions and therefore can't really be sorry. The judge's words gave me some small validation as one Sunday the father-in-law's mother called me to tell me he had taken responsibility for his crimes since he admitted what he'd done. (This was before he pled guilty, so he'd confessed his crimes to detectives but plead innocent, and at the time we were less than a month from trial.) His mother then went on to tell me what an angry, hateful person I am. I've been called worse, so this part of the conversation didn't hurt very much. It was the part where she told me I was a bad mother and she feared for my children and how they would turn out that her poisoned words got a direct hit.

I have done many things, some good, some bad, but I can say without a doubt since having my Beloveds, everything I do is in their best intrests. I always choose them.

When the judge finished, he announced that the sentence would be 18 years to life. He has to serve 85% of his sentence before he's eligible for parole. If he's not paroled (the prosecutor says they never parole the first time) then he'll be resentensed until his next hearing. The process can be continued for some years. He just celebrated his 62nd birthday, being graced with a broken jaw from an inmate who was trying to raise his status as a birthday present. I'm not sure he'll live to the end of his sentence, how ever many years that will actual be. I should also point out, he only received a little less of a year in time already served credit. He was arrested in Feb. 2011.

When we left the court house I felt numb. Later, while watching my Beloveds play Legos the numbness was mixed with an immense sadness. My Beloveds, so young have experienced the painful truth that bad guys can be anyone, even someone you love and trust. They know judicial terms and procedures other kids their age have never heard. They have 1 grandma left. My mother has been dead for almost 20 years, and since my father is also a child molester they believe all grandfathers are child molesters. All of this breaks my heart. My Beloveds have had to grow up sooner than I ever would have liked. Sure all kids grow up, but my youngest Beloved experienced all of the above before he lost his first tooth. It's just too young.

I'm happy justice has been served. I'm happy the situation has come to a finality. I'm not happy about not being able to protect my Beloveds from all of it. Numb. Justice for me feels numb. Or at least it does today.