Forgiveness

This morning I woke up with a church hymn stuck in my head. This is very unusual and has never happened before. I do believe in a higher power, but I'm not single minded focused on the higher power, but that is another post.

I had to take a muscle relaxer for a vicious nausea inducing stress headache I had yesterday, so I woke up late and groggy. Even though I was conscious, this hymn continued to play in my head, or at least the chorus played. Oddly now that I'm fully awake I can't remember the hymn at all. Not a single word.

This year I have desperately tried to forgive four people in my life who have lied, betrayed, sexually, or mentally abused me. First was my father. I finely found my strength to tell him I forgive him for the sexual abuse, mental abuse, the alcoholism, lying, and cheating. As I forgave him though, I also told him he was no longer welcome in my life. Fact is my father is one GIANT trigger. He triggers me in every way possible, so why continue contact? Because that's what good daughters do? Screw that. I'm done being a "good daughter." He adds nothing positive to my life, or by Beloveds life (who he's only met a handful of times.) Sometimes, I have to remind myself that I forgave him.

Another person I'm trying to forgive is my mother. Do you know how hard it is to forgive a dead person? She died right before my 19th birthday of cancer. I was her caregiver. That was before my memories came back. What I do know for sure, is that she knew what my father was doing sleeping with any female that would spread her legs for him, lying, and abusing us daughters, only she couldn't deal with it, so she ignored it. See this is something I don't understand at all. I love my Beloveds more than ANYONE. No exceptions. So I'm still working on forgiving my mother. I'm still pretty angry with her.

My ex-bestfriend JK is someone else I need to forgive. This is one I think I'll be able to let go shortly. What did JK do? Well he lied to me about his life, in every aspect. He lied about having a wife. He lied about having a girlfriend. He lied about his name, and his girl friend's name when he finally introduced her into his other lies. I think he even used my vast experience with death to manipulate me by confession the tragic death of the love of his life. Who's not dead I might add. He was in the military for most of his life, and told me he had PTSD. Another lie? He was the one I used to call when I had a trigger or a bad day. Was everything he said a lie? So you see, I already have trust issues, and then I come across a master lier who has wiggled his way into an important position in my life. Niiiiiiiice right?

Now as if the above wasn't enough to deal with, I get to aid in putting my father-in-law in jail for LIFE for molesting little girls. (Enter more trusts issues here.) Now my Beloveds are having to reconcile with the fact BOTH of their grandfathers are permanently out of their lives because they are both child molesters. Since they didn't have much contact with my father, no big loss. But my father-in-law spent a lot of time with my Beloveds. My oldest has been showing symptoms of abuse, but what the heck, we're all screwed up THERAPY FOR EVERYONE! By the way, can you imagine how much guilt I have, since I exposed my children to a child molester? Sure it was unknowing, but still. He might have hurt my children, a pain I'm waaay to familiar with, and I gave him opportunity.

Mucking through the above has made me take a hard look at the people around me. Why do I have certain people around? Who is my support system?

No One.

I realized I married my husband because I knew he'd never physically harm me, and never leave me. What's the problem? He's so emotionally retarded that he subscribes to the method of the ostrich when bad things happen. Because if you ignore something long enough, it will go away.... right? Sure for years I subscribed to the method of the ostrich, but look where it's gotten me? I'm a complete mess and none of my problems are gone. What's worse is that he is incapable of giving moral support. I'm basically here to be his maid, cook, and raise his children, everything else is not his problem. It's my problem. For years I ignored his attitude, because if I acknowledged it, then I'd have to do something about it. Obviously I've come to a place where I've said I can't deal with it anymore. We are separated and I don't see any reconciliation ahead. The hard part is, how do you forgive someone for being them? He hasn't changed, I've changed.

I have a lot of house cleaning to do so I can forgive those toxic people, and remove them from my life as best as possible. I'm working on it. What's the hard part? Being alone. I don't trust people (jeez I wonder why?) and since most people I know haven't been through half of what I have they just look at me wide eyed. I can't blame my friends for not knowing what to do or say with me, but I don't have anyone.

Walking through this healing journey of my life alone sucks! So maybe that's why the hymn was stuck in my head this morning when I woke up. Maybe it was the Higher Power (insert name of your Higher Power here) letting me know I'm not really alone? It is a comforting thought.