Inspiration from Laura Hillenbrand's book - UNBROKEN

Yesterday was a bad day. I couldn't control my emotions of fear, anger, or anxiety. I even scared my kids when I got a letter from Bank Of America, who bought out my mortgage a couple years ago, and have decided to screw with me. I'd been on the phone with them almost everyday last week, so when I got a letter saying my house payment hadn't gone through and I was charged a $25 fee I kinda lost it. I screamed at the kids to get into the car, and screamed at the dogs to get outside. I was full of rage. Every muscle in my body was tense and I wanted nothing more than to unload my rage on the first person who crossed my path. I wanted to hit someone. HARD.

See I'm not a screamer or a yeller, so this behavior is seriously out of character and scared my Beloveds. I scared them so bad in fact they didn't say a word during the 20 minute drive into town. Or in the Bank. About 10 minutes into the drive on the way home, after I was reimbursed the $25 fee they felt it safe to carefully ask questions. Upon realizing this, and having them tell me I scared them, I felt even worse. When we got home I locked myself in my room and cried for an hour. When I was done crying I was so exhausted that I fell asleep in front of the the warm fire. When I woke a couple hours later the rage was gone. When my husband came in the house and found me half asleep in front of the fire he asked me if I was sick. I told him yes. I don't feel it's a lie, I'm just not sick the way he meant.

Last night I finished the latest book I was reading. It was called Unbroken by Laura Hillenbrand. I knew it had something to do with World War II but really bought it because I love the way Laura Hillenbrand writes.

The story is about the life of Louie Zampernini. He was an Olympic runner, Bombardier, stranded at sea in a rubber boat for 47 days with no supplies, and a Japanese POW during World War II. You could say Louie is the ultimate survivor. Unbroken is a detailed account of his experiences and those closest to him. As I read about his survival at sea, which broke records, I thought if he survives so can I. When reading of the torture, starvation, and humiliation of the Japanese POW camps, I thought.... Holy Cow.... how can someones will be so strong? How does one live through such devastation? When the war was over and Louie came home and was faced with his demons (PTSD) I was interested to see how he'd deal with them. Then to discover he was able to get through his PTSD after some time. Louie had a happy fulfilling life and marriage. Louie's story has given me hope. What Louie survived went far beyond what I survived, so if he can do it.... so can I.

I woke this morning telling myself it was a new day. The Beloveds had a Christmas Concert at school, which I dressed to attend. The over populated gym felt like it was closing in on me. Exits were too far away, and I'd never find my kids if something happened. I took a couple deep breaths, and did my best to relax. I say my best because I was sitting ram rod straight in my chair. Every muscle in my back and shoulders tense enough to crack walnuts. I felt I need to feel the tension of my muscles because the muscles in my arms, legs, and chest felt numb. I needed to feel something. That's why when my bony butt started to hurt in the metal chair I didn't adjust. I focused on the pain, it is what grounded me to the chair, which grounded me to the floor. Which grounded me to the present. I realize that sounds crazy, but it was oddly comforting.

I'm going back to my Beloved's school this afternoon after lunch to partake in the rest of there classroom celebrations. I know the loudness of the cramped rooms, and the extra parents are going to make me feel overwhelmed and claustrophobic, but I refuse to let my stupid brain make me miss my Beloveds joy. I will take my meds. I will remind myself to breathe. I will do all of this because my Beloveds smiles and laughter is worth all the anxiety. And someday, hopefully soon I will be able to move on, like Louie did.