Okay, after todays triggered flashback of a repressed memory I know I'm edgy. My senses are in super over drive. I swear I can hear a fish fart in the pond a couple hundred yards away. I still feel empty and am probably going to have to take meds just to sleep, so I probably shouldn't have been cruising the internet trying to find myself some kind of release.
My PTSD stems from my childhood. I often sum up my childhood as a bad Jerry Springer episode.... any episode. The weird part is that I thought I had a "normal" family for years. For example, I thought it was "normal" for my father to have a beer and a six pack on him at ALL TIMES. I thought it was "normal" to be my fathers designated driver at 9 years old. I mean it was just more convenient, that way he and his buddies could get drink and hunt. They could shoot birds out the truck window and not have to worry about drunk driving and illegally firing a weapon form a moving vehicle. Duh.
The sexual abuse... well that's how all fathers show there love, right? I mean what's more natural than to be spooned by your father at age 7 and watch porn! In reality I don't have many memories of my childhood. I blocked out all the "normal" until my first Beloved was born. That's when the repressed memories showed up. That's when the night terrors started, the flash backs, the anxiety attacks, and all the rest. I like to say that's when the crazy started, but I guess it really started years before that. (I'd like to note that my father admits to molesting my half sister, but not me. Makes total sense... right?)
So here I am 8 years later and only slightly better, meaning the night terrors are random instead of a nightly marathon for months. The hard part about this, is that I feel completely alone. Sure there is plenty of PTSD articles and help out there, but they all surround Veterans. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad the community and government is finally taking notice and helping our Veterans. We owe each one a huge debt for fighting for our freedoms. However, because of all of the Veteran centered help, I feel like a misfit. I don't have anyone to talk to, anyone who understands. I have a lot of Veteran friends and interaction with Veterans though an organization I volunteer for, and I feel ridiculous admitting I have PTSD. What? Like I'm on the same level as them? They survived to FRICK'EN WAR!
Anyway, I digress.... so I was cruising the internet using search terms like "PTSD" and "Sexual Trauma PTSD" and I came across a few things that really chapped my hide. Lets begin with the word "VICTIM." This word makes my skin crawl. I am NOT a victim. I am a SURVIVOR. The word victim to me means helpless. I was a helpless child, but I'm a grown woman now and I'm far from helpless. I don't allow ANYONE to call me a victim, and I think the word gives off the wrong impression when used in relation to PTSD.
Think about it.
Then I stumbled upon this little gem from Uplift Program it's about half way done the article. Trauma, Personality and the Brain
Childhood abuse or trauma has a pronounced effect in brain development. It can lead to subtle structural abnormalities in the frontal lobe, which is closely related to the limbic system — the seat of our emotions. These abnormalities may result in deep-seated personality deficits (for example, an inability to be empathetic, or pathological narcissism) that are not readily diagnosable as psychiatric disorders. This may explain why early exposure to traumatic stress or disruptive changes in environment may result in more fundamental behavioral changes that are more often diagnosed as personality disorders.
So If I'm reading the above correctly, childhood trauma has a physical effect on the child's brain, especially in the part of the brain that process emotions. These brain abnormalities may result in personality deficiencies. Now according to my dictionary, a Deficiency is defined as a failing or shortcoming. Sooooo what this article is really saying is brain abnormalities have caused personality shortcomings and failures? Please show me one person in this universe that doesn't have a personality deficit. We are all human (as far as I know) and therefore none of us are perfect, hence we have personality shortcomings and failures!
Alright, I'm done.
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