Remembering Sexual Abuse

Writing Assignment from The Courage To Heal: Spend 10 minutes writing starting with the phrase, What I remember... Then write for another 10 minutes starting with the phrase, What I don't remember...

What I remember is my father always having a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other. I remember the cigarette smoke choking me in the car, house, bathroom. There was no safe place to hide from the smoke.

I remember my father hiding while he watched my friend and I take a bath when I was in the 4th grade.

I remember staying up late Friday and Saturday nights to have my father spoon me while we watched soft porn movies together.

I remember my father's friends making comments and questioning me about my boobs, lack there of, and my menstrual cycle... in front of him. He thought it was funny.

I remember having an ingrown pubic hair when I was 12 or 13 and not knowing what it was, my mother was out of town, so I told her about it over the phone. I was terribly embarassed. She told me to tell my father. (Why I don't understand.) My father told me he wanted to look at it. I remember telling him NO and running to my room to hide under a blanket of shame.

I remember the heaviness of my father as he laid upon me. The scratchiness of his beard on my cheek and neck. His warm breath on my neck. Him telling me how he loved me more than life it's self.

I remember how upset and manipulating he was when I got my first serious boyfriend. How my new boyfriend was "taking his place." I didn't understand it at the time. How could a boyfriend "take the place" of my father? I see now that's not what he meant.

I remember my father slept naked. I remember the warmth, sweaty scent of his sheets.

I remember how he never wore underwear in the summer and his penis would fall out of his shorts in front of my friends. I rarely had friends over after that.

I remember standing in front of my dresser, staring down at his penis while I stroked it.

I remember being 21 years old, being invited into his bedroom to let him know me and my fiance were back from visiting friends. When I walked into his open doorway he was jacking off. He wanted me to see him. To catch him.

I remember refusing to eat at the early age of 5. I see now as a grown up, food was the only thing I could control.

What I don't remember....

I don't remember where my mom was when I spent time with my father.

I don't remember how old I was when it all started.

I don't remember how old I was when it ended.

I don't remember what he said to me.

I don't remember how many times it happened or how often.

I don't know why right now my skin is crawling and my vision is snowy.

I don't know why I want to throw up.

I don't know why I want to cry.

I don't know why he did this to little girls.

I don't know why my mom wasn't enough.

I don't know why my mom didn't believe my sister when she told the truth.

I dont know why my mom allowed it all to happen.

I don't know why I didn't stop it. Why wasn't I strong enough?